Saying goodbye to you is the closet thing I know to PTSD. At first, it’s hard to breathe, especially with the overflowing sobs. Then your mind races and races and races until you’re in such a state of show that you can’t feel anymore. Numb. I’m not sad or happy at this point; frankly, I’m lucky if I can feel my toes moving. My body takes over and I’m being moved out of habit verse being conscious of what I’m doing. This lasts for two days, 24 hours, non-stop.
The scariest part is how we bounce back into reality so quickly. Between jobs and commitments, it’s as if I never visited you. Sometimes I honestly forget our amazing adventures. All I am left with is the occasional reminders of you that come up during the day, which bring me back to the cabin on the lake, cuddling up in your hotel room, or going to Qdoba for Easter dinner just because we can.
And it’s these happy memories that make me miss you more. My body physically aches to hold you. The memory of your smell is strong enough now for me to remember. The pictures we took still on the most recent parts of my memory. My bag still sitting by my door ready to be stored for our next adventure. Everywhere I go, I see you. And I miss the hell out of you every time I open my eyes.
I couldn’t be more proud seeing you on base. You work so hard, yet constantly worry about me. And I know I don’t make it easy. You are so patient with me. No one has ever been so understanding and gentle with me. You make me roar with laughter and smile from ear to ear. I’ve never felt more comfortable to cry with you or tell all my pain. The best part is that you think about us through the forever lens. And you make me feel brave and proud to be the person I want to be. You make me want to be the best version of myself and pursue whatever makes me happy. This is what I feel every time I hold Joe Bear or see a picture of you. Every Single Time. You are the light of my world. I can’t wait till our universes collide and I’m under the same set of covers with you, waking up to the true source of everything that makes me happy and blessed.
Come home to me. I need you.